Biblical conflict resolution should be simple, but unfortunately it’s often not. Beliefs can be deeply held, and in our American culture with its democratic traditions, people aren’t afraid to voice their opposing opinions! Fortunately, the Bible records that Jesus spoke directly to resolving conflicts. Unfortunately, Christians often forget, or are ignorant of, or just choose to ignore his three-step formula:
- “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone…”
- “…But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established…”
- “…And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church…”
The first step is critical. Go to your brother ALONE… not to others. Telling others about someone else’s misbehavior is backbiting. Backbiting is just spreading gossip. Read the book of James to learn what God says about gossip! What’s more, if your offending brother learns that you’ve been spreading rumors about him behind his back, how likely do you think your words to him are going to be well received? “A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city; and their contentions are like the bars of a castle.” Proverbs 18.19
Hurt and Anger: The Devil’s Playground
If you haven’t noticed, most of the times when we’re angry with someone, it’s because that someone first hurt us. We learn when we’re very young that if we become angry with that person, our level of pain goes down right away. Anger hurts less than hurts do. By the time we’re adults, we’ve perfected that process to the point where we even contrive an inner dialogue and play them over and over like “tape loops”, putting words in our accuser’s mouthes that justify our continuing anger toward them. For Christians, this is one of the Devil’s favorite playgrounds. When we join in and let these fires of un-forgiveness burn, we’re handing him a needless victory. There is no unity in the hurt and anger cycle.
How to forgive someone
Biblical conflict resolution passages make clear that Christians need to forgive someone who’s hurt them. If you haven’t noticed, it’s in the Lord’s Prayer: “…forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.” In case that doesn’t motivate you to forgive, read the Lord’s parable of the unforgiving steward in Matthew 18.23-35
In the case of hard words spoken unfairly, Jesus stood before Pilate and quietly accepted Pilate’s accusations. Pilate reminded Jesus that he had the power to crucify him. Jesus replied by saying that Pilate could have no power at all over him except it be given to him from above. Today we’d say that Jesus saw the big picture and Pilate did not. Christians in conflict and seeking resolution should apply the same words to their own hurts and anger. In fact this has become my go-to whenever I’m chafing over some unjust hurt – whether real or perceived. I know that God uses people to change me, and this present frustration is undoubtedly part of that.
When Christians Should Conflict
This is a hard thing to write, because my family is experiencing conflict just now, despite the fact that almost all of the participants are committed, mature Christians. Christian love rightly gets a lot of attention in the scriptures, and of course in 1 John 4.7 & 8 we’re told that it’s a key proof of whether or not an individual even knows God. So there’s really nothing else to think about, right? We need to treat everyone lovingly, with all that entails. Well, yes except for one thing.
Let’s not forget that Christians can misbehave. Sometimes they do it publicly and without any concern for what the Bible says. When that happens, then love requires that we do what we can to restore the sinning Christian, first alone, and then with one or two other people.. If he still fails to hear us, then we need as a church to separate ourselves from his behavior. Christians stand for something. Sometimes that requires making hard decisions about behaviors that individual Christians make that are clearly not consistent with the will and righteousness of God. Jesus showed his love for God when he tipped over the tables in the temple. So should we when individuals fulfill the lust of their flesh while also professing to be Christians.