For starters, it helps to WANT TO learn how to control anger. The problem there is that anger is usually a way to lessen the pain of being hurt somehow. When someone hurts us, we’ve learned that becoming angry instantly reduces pain. It hurts less to be angry than to experience the pain of being hurt. Unfortunately, hurt often comes from others, and we may not be able to control them as we’d like.
The Bible has a lot to say about handling negative feelings and behaviors like anger. Ultimately, if a genuine born-again Christian is abiding in Christ (as he or she should be continually), then the fruit of the Spirit of God within him includes love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness and self-control — all characteristics that mitigate hostility, unforgiveness and ANGER. That said, for those times when the hurt is sudden, unexpected or otherwise severe and we struggle to handle it well, two techniques can help: One is to submit feelings to thoughts.
Think on these things
If you’re a memorizer of scripture, and you’re prone to emotional extremes, here’s a passage that can change your life:
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Phillipians 4.8
One of my Bible teachers once said that if you ask a man how he feels, he’ll tell you what he thinks. If you ask a woman what she thinks, she’ll tell you how she feels. However you react to that, notice that the list in Phillipians 4.8 above ends with four important words: THINK… ON… THESE… THINGS. That’s a command, folks. And hear this please: If God commands something, it must be possible for us to do whatever it is that he’s commanding. That means that however you FEEL at the moment, you CAN decide to THINK about the items on that list instead.
Discover your “tape loops”
Let’s imagine a hurtful incident: Someone says something to you that’s very rude and you’re deeply hurt by it. However you react to it then, later you remember the comment and the hurt of it angers you again. You flare in your thinking and lash out at that person, even though you’re now all alone. You keep playing the scene over again, maybe even adding new hurts that you’re sure they would have said to you if given a chance, and you of course respond in kind. This “tape loop” has two characteristics: One is that you’re fully involved in it, and the other is that the other person – after the initial hurtful comment – isn’t involved at all. Zero. Not at all!
We all have tape loops. I know that my life got better right away when I learned to do one thing: When I start to play one of my own loops, I remind myself that the words I keep putting in the other person’s mouth didn’t come from them just now: They came from me. That is, after the initial offense, everything that I’m hearing in my mind is MY responsibility… not the other person’s. When I really get that, that tape loop is effectively cut, and pretty soon I calm down and get back to… well, abiding in Christ like I should have been all along.
The Rudder of the Ship
The second effective tool for controlling anger is found in the book of James. There James compares our tongues to the rudder of a ship. They’re a very small member, but are capable of turning the entire ship. What a powerful secret! Imagine trying to sail a massive ship without a rudder! Can the secret of how to control anger be that simple?
Fred hurt me by calling me lazy. I’m angry and letting those “tape loops” grow and grow. My mood is bringing angry words to my mouth, and I don’t seem to be capable of stopping it. Now, what I AM capable of doing, is speaking words that are not angry. For example, “Fred was probably just having a bad day earlier. I’m sure he didn’t mean what he said.” Say it out loud. Waiting until you feel it is not the best way to control anger… James is saying that way is backwards. Say it even while still angry, and like the ship in heavy seas, your whole body and attitude will come around.
Whaddaya know! You’re back to abiding in Christ again… which, if you’re a true born-again Christian, is where you should have been all along.