Christian parents should do what they can to learn how to raise Godly children. Here are a few tips that have been useful in our family:
- Be Godly parents yourselves.
- Honor discipline decisions by your mate.
- Establish clear behavior boundaries.
- Make “no” mean “NO”!
- Monitor television and other inputs carefully.
- Choose your child’s friends carefully.
- Make Bible reading, prayers and church FUN!
- Use positive shaping comments when you can.
What is Positive Shaping?
My son was painfully shy when he was about three or four. One day after church the pastor reached down to shake his hand and he cowered behind my leg. Embarrassed, I commented to the pastor saying, “Oh, you’ll have to forgive him, he’s SHY.” In that moment God suddenly made it clear to me that my words were actually creating the problem by putting the self-image in my son’s mind that he has that… personality limitation. Later my wife and I discussed it and agreed that we’d NEVER describe any of our children that way in their hearing again!
Then it occurred to us that it might be possible to deliberately use the opposite comment to achieve a positive result. The Bible says, “train up a child in the way he should go…” We began telling others while our son was present that we were proud of how he stepped out and shook the pastor’s hand each time – yes, even before it was true – and pretty soon that became exactly what he did. We also used the same technique for other areas, such as school work, courtesy, cleaning his room, etc. Kids live up to, and DOWN to the expectations of influential people in their lives. Be sure they hear your POSITIVE expectations regularly!
A footnote on positive shaping comments: Proverbs 1.17 says, “Surely in vain the net is spread in the sight of any bird”. Compliments can work wonders to a child’s self-esteem and subsequent behaviors, but only if the child believes them. Be careful to keep your parenting strategies behind the scenes, and out of the conversations that your child can hear. Also, don’t overdo it: as soon as it’s seen as a device, it stops working. Are we talking manipulation and deception when trying to train our children to be better, more successful people? Yep! I remember sitting in the school bleachers listening to our son deliver his salutatorian speech with confidence and thinking, “Thank God for that day when my son ducked behind my leg.”
Honor discipline by your mate
My wife and I got a few things right. One was that whenever one of our kids asked for permission for anything, we’d automatically ask if the other parent had already spoken to that. If the answer was yes, then our answer was always whatever the other parent said. Because the kids knew we’d say that, they learned to never try that route to manipulate us to get what they wanted. It made things simpler for us, and the kids respected that we respected each other’s judgement.
Establishing Boundaries
Someone did a study of children playing in a city playground. The various toys (sandbox, swing, etc.) were located at various spots: some near the center of the playground and some near the edges. At first there was no fence around the playground, and later they introduced a strong and secure fence. When there was no fence, the children congregated at only the center toys. After the fence was installed, the children spread out and played at each toy equally. Clearly defined boundaries make children feel safe to explore areas they otherwise avoid in fear. Let children know what their limits are, enforce those limits, and watch their lives and personalities flourish.